Siren Song

Today is my 31st birthday. It’s also “just a day, just an ordinary day.” A day like any other. On my birthdays my mum always asks me “How do you feel? Do you feel different? Older?” I would shrug it off, growing up, but it has stuck with me. And mum? I feel calm today.

 (Do you remember Vanessa Carlton? She’s still a musician. And she still hits the same weird “emo-girl pop” bullseye for me, somehow. Next step after Avril Lavigne, perhaps? Or maybe I’m over complicating it. Lol.) 

Today I woke up on the couch in yesterday’s clothes, to the click of J’s toenails on the parquet. She wanted to climb up, but I was taking up too much space. I shoved over and started to come into consciousness. A dog is a blessing. As I woke, I watched G getting ready for work; rushing around purposefully. Teasing, inciting (and insightful, too), he waited until I asked before he wished me “happy birthday.” It’s a game we play: who amongst us can withstand the most petty, petulant, brattiness? And who will be crowned World’s Brattiest Baby? (I’m rooting for G.)

Today I’m unemployed again. It feels shitty, but I also know that my last job was a bad fit for me. They wanted me to be someone I’m not, and they were (strangely?) angry that I wouldn’t crack, cower, be cowed. I’m glad they broke up with me: my heart was never really in it. 

Today I miss the kids, though. And I feel so sorry for leaving them without explanation. That part wasn’t my choice, wasn’t part of the plan. Not that I really had a plan, when I took that job. It was an opportunity, so I took it. But not every opportunity is the right one. I’d love so much to send the kids a letter, but that would probably cross umpteen boundaries. Maybe they’ll find my blog one day. (What’s going on, kiddos?)

Today I feel as ready for the future as I ever have. We’re in the midst of a pandemic I can’t comprehend, and many things that I really (truly) took for granted are completely out of the question. So the next question is, what’s left? What do I have, today, when everything’s made to be broken…? 

Welp, today I’ve got me, G, J, and SP. And that means there’s more than just one exception.

So today, I’m not wasting time, I’m enjoying it. 

And if I be wrong? 

Well then honestly, fuck it. 

It’s my life.


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